Pagan Humor


I have found most of these on the web or heard them in chat rooms. Some of these yu have to know somethings about Paganism to get. If you have a good one, e-mail it to me and I will post it here.


You finally know you are a witch when:

1. Your BOS has spots on the pages from spilled brews.
2. When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No, not THE broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?"
3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard.
4. Neighbourhood cats commune in your front yard.
5. There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes.
6. Friends know they can always give you candles and incense as a gift.
7. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched, you find you side with Samantha' s mother Endora.
8. You've actually tried to twitch your nose to add emphasis to your spellwork.
9. When travelling, stranger and stranger strangers tell you their problems.
10. You swear in the plural.
11. You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the grocery store.
12. Whenever someone sneezes you say "Goddess Bless."
13. You ask for Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday.
14. You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".


Top Thirteen Reasons To Be Pagan
13. I live for persecution!
12. I'm a night person at heart.
11. We respect our elders...and alders, and willows and oaks.
10. I just love explaining that a pentagram is NOT evil.
9. We do more after midnight than most people do all day!
8. Being burned at the stake is a great way to roast marshmallows.
7. We can talk to Elvis (and he IS dead).
6. You live, you learn, you die, you forget. Then you come back...
5. Double the deities, double the fun!
4. We get more holidays.
3. Brooms get great mileage.
2. We were here first!
1. BELTANE!!!


TOP TEN CHEEZEY PICK-UP LINES FOR PAGANS TO USE AT BELTANE GATHERINGS

10. Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?
9. Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?
8. Would you like to come over to my place and widdershens?
7. Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?
6. Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not "technically" marriage.
5. So, do you draw down the moon here often?
4. What's a nymph Goddess like you doing in a place like this?
3. You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen.
2. You're feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind all night long.
And the Number One Cheezey Pick-Up Line for Pagans to Use at Beltane Gatherings is:
1. Is that a May Pole in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?


Christian Priest, Rabbi, and High Priestess

Part of an Interfaith community project, A right wing Christian priest, a rabbi, and a Pagan priestess, decided that in order to improve relations in the community, they will go on a fishing trip together on a local pond.

They're out in the boat, and the Pagan priestess excuses herself to go to the bathroom back on the shore. She gets out, walks across the water back to shore, and then walks back across the water to the boat.

The Christian priest looks in amazement, crosses himself, and they continue fishing. It comes on about noon time, and the rabbi realizes they left their lunches back on shore. So he gets up, walks across the water to the shore, retrieves the lunches, and walks back across the water to the boat.

The Christian priest, now completely amazed, and a little bit righteous, thinks, "not to be outdone by two heathens, I can do that too!!" So he gets up, excuses himself to go to the bathroom, takes a step out of the boat and promptly sinks to the bottom.

While he's flailing around in the water, the rabbi looks at the priestess and says, "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"

The Pagan priestess replies, "What rocks?"

--What's the best thing about having Pagan friends?
They worship the ground you walk on.

--Did you hear the one about the dyslexic satan worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

--What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub?
A self=cleaning coven

--Did you hear Easter is cancelled this year?
Yeah, they found the body.

--How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want it changed into.

--What do you call a singles club for Wiccans?
Craft singles.

--Did you hear the Kraft cheese company was so upset by the last joke they moved their company to Jerusalum?
Now they are called Cheeses of Nazarreth.

--What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddist and a Druid?
A person who worships the tree that's not there.

--Why did the blonde witch bring a remote to circle?
She wanted to channel.

--What do you say to an angry witch?
Ribbit.


Signs that You May Be a Redneck Pagan

If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb
If part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells into the fire
If the bell on your altar was ever worn by an animal in a pasture
If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife, a can of Foster's and Little Debbie's
If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night
If when your priestess says "Blessed Be" in circle, you respond with "YEEE-HAW!"
If you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly
If you buy your incense and candles at Wal-Mart (ouch!)
If you call the God & Goddess by hollerin' "Hey, Y'all! Watch me
If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup's gun rack
If you found out your familiar is an oppossum and still ate it
If you have cast a love spell on livestock
If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg.
If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu
If you invoke the sprits so that your beer lasts longer
If you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says, "The circle is open but unbroken"
If you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture.
If you've ever done a candle spell for your local high-school football team ..
If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker ..
If you've ever meditated to "Dueling Banjos"
If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod
If your altar cloth is vinyl
If your annointing oil smells like "Old Spice"
If your broom has four-wheel drive and SC plates
If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do" ..
If your craft name starts with Bubba
If your familiar can point quail
If your ritual music includes Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire

Well, you might just be a Redneck Pagan!

Top Ten Reasons Why Witches Don't Worship Satan
10. Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests.
9. Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone.
8. Hard to keep the flaming goat skulls lit.
7. Decreased availability of blonde virgins.
6. Blood stains from the sacrifices are *impossible* to get out of the carpet.
5. Wailing of the damned souls in Hell keeps the neighbors awake.
4. The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him.
3. Repeated stooping motions for administering the "Kiss of Shame" difficult on the older coven members.
2. Demons smell even worse than brimstone.
And the number one reason...
1. Impossible to worship something that doesn't exist!


The Infamous Lightbulb Jokes

Top Ten Reasons why Athames are black and How to Piss off a Pagan



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